I'm Celebrating Something.

The drama of life and choosing yourself OVER & OVER

Photo by Guillaume de Germain on Unsplash

One time my best friend pointed out: “We’re all doing about the same.”

~

I sit down at the beach club- iced coffee and novel in hand. Prepare to deep breathe and enjoy my recent win. I’m celebrating something.

The night before (at 10:00pm mind you) my offer was accepted on a place in the city. AND not just any place. One with a window seat, pink walls, a parlor, a white painted living room fireplace with a mantel to post up my picture frames. A brief scooter ride away to my daughter’s new and most excellent school. This was deserving of a moment for myself in a lounge chair in the sun to soak it all in. There is no man in the picture. I chose this for her and me.

My phone rang.

I could see from the screen it was the gynecologist. Didn’t they say they would only call if my pap was a issue, my mind raced. Yes in fact, I remember the lady laughed and said, “OH, if theres an issue we’ll hunt. you. down.”

Last night I called my daughter in from the yard after dinner, “Tick check!” I said in a sing song-y voice, expecting to do my due diligence but find no ticks. I spotted it right away. The size of a freckle. I got it off with a pair of tick removing tweezers, put it in a jar and called her dad.

Today was ninety degrees. My AC broke. The neighbors invited us over to their pool. As I was dressing my child in a dry sundress for the after pool pizza party I noticed the bullseye rash.

Tomorrow is the last day of school. Whereas before I felt so sentimental about her leaving this bucolic paradise now I am tearing up with guilt.

I cant get back to the city fast enough.

I was in a staples yesterday buying picture frames for god sakes. To frame all the memories I can’t bear to lose, I guess. I even picked up a few more when I had to go grab fans. My brother called me as I was at checkout.

“Ma’am would you like a bag?”

Ring Ring Ring..

“Um, no thanks.”

Ring Ring Ring

“Well have a lovely day and thank you for shopping at Staples.”

I picked up in the parking lot totally unfocused, a little hot and weary, and aware of the odd timing of everything.

My brother was calling to check in of concern of our father who has been sick. I tell him I’ll come right away. As soon as my daughter’s birthday parties are over.

In four days my child will turn five. My child who was born during 2020 the first wave of Covid which coincided with my divorce of her father. It’s 2025 it should come as no surprise. But time has a way of warping and then snapping to slap us in the face.

She’s not a baby anymore. She and I have inside jokes.

In the middle of my handing a few of these various things, the man I was most recently engaged to marry, texts. My therapist said it is not my job to help him process how we have landed, apart.

I decide to give sitting at the beach club another go.

After I sun my front, I flip diligently to sun my back. But as I do, I hear a commotion- so I flip just in time to see a circle of new mommies hop in the water, prop their chubby infants on the edge and while singing, “humpty dumpty sat on the wall humpty dumpty had a great fall.” I know I must look like an idiot but I sit there beaming at the show.

I prayed last night before bed. And I’m not much of a pray-er. I pray for my father. For my daughter. I don’t know if when you pray if your are allowed to ask at the end for self protection? I decide that since I haven’t chosen myself in a long time, that it’s ok this time at the end to ask the goddess for a boost.